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Saturday, December 31, 2011

A modest list of New Year's Eve predictions.

The Ramsey Town Center will recapture its true name from the dustbin. Once done, it will become the commercial hub of the entire North Metro. Big Box stores in Elk River, Maple Grove, and Riverdale will be forced to close. Darren Lazan will become a multi-millionaire from commissions.

Zygi will fully fund and build a new Vikings stadium.

The Republicans, with a Santorum-Bachmann ticket will capture the White House in a landslide. At the earliest opportunity President Santorum will appoint a corporation to the Supreme Court.

Mining interests in the iron range will declare themselves an environmental threat and will fund in advance a trillion dollar remediation fund and a comparable fund for mine workers developing lung and other diseases.

The national debt will be paid off.

Vice President Bachmann will be raptured, President Santorum will not, and great debate will result over raptruing selection criteria.

Zygi will contract to sell the Taliban naming rights to Zygi's new stadium. The league will step in to prevent that, and in exchange will offer the Taliban an expansion franchise in Las Vegas.

Timberwolves win NBA championship, beating the Utah Jazz in the finals.

The rich will be taxed.

The DEA, CIA, and FBI will be disbanded, with all functions transferred to Hollywood interests led by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis. NSA will be merged into Microsoft. Lobbying will cease after being declared illegal.

The Israelis, collectively and as a nation, will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

Ramsey's long-distance mayor will make the Guinness Book of Records as maximum commuting mayor, prompting numerous Californians to attempt to run for office in Delaware.

The Chinese will lose interest in manufacturing in favor of a return to peasant agriculture.

Intent on a lower profile, major Wall Street firms will relocate to Iowa.

The Vatican Bank will relocate to Iowa.

The entire population of India will relocate to Iowa.

Texans will forget the Alamo.

I will make it to the next New Year's Eve still able to wake every morning, look out the window and see, and be able to comprehend what it is I am seeing.

Global warming denial will be characterized as a UN hoax.

With global warming denial falling out of favor, deniers will move to insisting the Internet is a hoax and does not exist.

Automobiles will run on sunlight.

Al Gore will challenge the Santorum election claiming voter fraud in Montana, and will win the case, 7-0 at the Supreme Court with Justice Scalia abstaining and declaring he wants no part of the decision because it might interfere with his being raptured, and with Justice Thomas following suit.

Duck Duck Go will replace Google as the most popular search engine worldwide. Aflac will sue claiming copyright infringement.

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Some may disagree, but the one in there after Texans and the Alamo is the most important.